Picture the scene: some new-fangled ultra-virus has broken out on an epic scale, causing your friends, colleagues and neighbours to become braindead, flesh-hungry maniacs. You’ve made it home, locked the door, drawn the curtains and turned the lights off. Now how do you keep those meatbags out?
The first thing to check is the front door. In rented accommodation you’d be surprised at what that front door is really made of. A few years back I discovered the front door to my flat was actually fashioned from MDF and cardboard. No good in a zombie apocalypse, so I got straight on the phone to the landlord. He replaced it with a zombie-resistant UPVC multi-lock door.
Windows are the main point of entry once the door’s secured, so nail that Welsh dresser to the window frame and pull up floorboards for extra boarding if you need to. Needless to say, every survivor should keep a decent toolbox under the stairs.
It’s important to remember that these aren’t going to be weedy, lumbering corpses like George Romero would have us believe. They’re going to be rabid, howling lunatics, possessed with super-human strength and a burning hunger for people-meat on the bone. So don’t rely on one layer of home defence: you’re going to need a back-up plan.
What’s the one place you don’t want to be stuck in the advent of a zombie onslaught? The cellar. There’s no way out, the zombies will rapidly amass outside the door and eventually bully their way in. No, up is the way to go when fleeing the horde. Max Brooks, author of The Zombie Survival Guide, gives one particularly useful bit of advice: get up the stairs and destroy them. You’ll need a handaxe for this, at least, but preferably a sledgehammer. Whether you do this from the outset (with stockpiled provisions upstairs) or wait until the horde are bursting through your outer defences is entirely your decision. But zombies can’t climb, not brilliantly anyway, so your final destination should be the highest point in the house, with all staircases smashed to pieces. Now it’s just a matter of waiting for rescue by the government. Right?